Friday, April 17, 2009


Feel stressed out? Bored? Sleepy?
Here are some Ah Beng's jokes to keep you awake. lmao.

Ah Beng was with his American and English friends at a bar in New York.The bartender ask, 'What would you like to drink sir?'
The American replied 'JOHNNIE WALKER , SINGLE.'
The Englishman replied 'JACK DANIELS , SINGLE.'
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks 'And what about you , sir?'
Ah Beng replies 'Tan Ah Beng , MARRIED'.

Ah Beng was in a large class and fell asleep and started snoring.The teacher heard someone snoring and shouted, 'Who is snoring?' Ah Beng was suddenly woken up by the shout and replied?
'I dont know sir , i was sleeping.'

Ah Beng's teacher was recording the birthday of each of her students.So she asked Ah Beng,
'When is your birthday? Ah Beng replied, '22nd February'. The teacher replied , 'And the year?'.
Ah Beng replied , 'Every year lah Miss , this also you dont know meh?

Ah Beng received an urgent call from his friend. Mr.Wong from America, 'Ah Beng,I have big problem.My baby was just born and is very black and both my wife and i are chinese.What shall this name this baby? Ah Beng promptly replied, 'You have no choice but to call him Sum Teng.

Question:Why did Ah Beng choose the name Sum Teng?
Answer :Because in America , his name would be Sum Teng Wong (something wrong)

Ah Beng wanted to find out how long it will take to fly from Kuala Lumpur to Tokyo.So he calls up Malaysian Airlines and asked,
'Sir , can you please tell me how long it takes to fly from KL to Tokyo?'
The airline staff replied, 'Just a minute , sir.'
Ah Beng replied, 'Wow,that is fast.Thank you very much.' And hangs up the phone.

Ah Beng was attending a Chemistry class.His teacher said, 'This is very important and will be coming out for the examination.The formula for water is H20.Make sure you remember this'.
On the examination day,true enough,the question asked, 'What is the formula for water?'

Ah Beng's answer: The formula for water is HIJKLMNO (H to O)

Ah Beng and Ah Lian were on the beach on a stormy night.There were lightning and thunder all over the place.Ah Lian asked Ah Beng, 'Why is it we always see the lightning before we hear the thunder? Ah Beng replied, 'Aiyahh.So simple also you dont know.Because our eyes are in front of our ears mah.'

Ah Beng arrived at the Penang airport and got up a taxi.The taxi driver asked Ah Beng, 'Where do you want to go?' Ah Beng replied, 'The YMCA (pronounced as yeem-ka) hotel.' The taxi driver replied, 'It must be a new one.I have not heard of it.But if you give me the address,I will be able to find it.' So they left and circled the place for one hour but could not find the hotel.So the taxi driver asked Ah Beng, 'Are you sure the hotel is here?' Ah Beng replied, 'I am sure.It is even printed in the brochure.'

What hotel was Ah Beng looking for?
Answer: YMCA

Ah beng and Ah Lok had a terrible accident.A child was seriously injured and Ah Lok shouted at Ah Beng, 'Please call 9-11 immediately.' After 15 minutes,Ah Beng returned and Ah Lok shouted, 'the ambulance is not here yet.Have you called 911?' Ah Beng replied, 'I found the phone and i can dial the number 9 but there was no eleven in the phone.How to call?'

Ah Lian bought a new cook book and decided to make a salad for her friends.After cutting all the fruits,she mixed them up and it was ready to be served.She then changes into her swimsuit and started serving her friends.Ah Beng who was there was very angry and said to her, 'Ah Lian,why do you have to show off your new swimsuit while serving the salad?' Ah Lian replied, 'Hey! Why are you so upset.I am only following the recipe.Can you read here.It says, 'Serve without dressing!'

Ah Lian asked Ah Beng. 'When are you going to marry me?' Ah Beng replied, 'You sure you want to get married?' Marriage got alot of problemsone you know.' Ah Lian replied, 'But i thought all marriages are made in heaven..we got honeymoon,like honey in the moon all the time?' Ah Beng replied, 'That is what you think.Sometimes the honey in the moon can become like salt in the wound..very painful one..also,many of my married friends tell me alot of horror stories like this...

Before marriage ; I die for you.
After marriage ; You die up to you.
Lagi lama married ; You die I help you

Before marriage ; You go anywhere i follow you.
After marriage ; You go anywhere up to you.
Lagi lama married ; You go anywhere better dont come home!

Before wedding ; You are my heart , you are my love.
After wedding ; You get on my nerves.

Before wedding ; You are sweet and kind just like Cinderella.
After wedding ; You are worst than godzilla.

Before wedding ; Roses are red,violets are blue.Like it or not , I'm stuck with you.
After wedding ; Roses are dead,I am blue.You get on my head , I will sue you.

Before wedding ; Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La.
After wedding ; You want to go , he say to you 'wait-la'.

Before wedding ; She looks like Anita Sarawak.
After wedding ; Dont know whether katak or biawak.

Before wedding ; Weekends at Cameron , Genting and Frasers Hill.
After wedding ; Furthest you go is Gasing Hill.

Before wedding ; He opens the car door.
After wedding ; He opens his mouth and snores.

Before wedding ; He was your ideal.
After wedding ; He becomes your ordeal.

After this Ah Lian did not bring up the issue about marriage anymore.

You know why new Changi Hospital (NCH) changed its name to Changi General Hospital (CGH)?
Because NCH stands for 'NEVER COME HOME'. Thats why business was very bad before it changed its name.Now CGH stands for 'CAN GO HOME'. So business is picking up.

Business in Singapore General Hospital (SGH) is still going strong because SGH stands for 'SURE GO HOME' !
What about Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH). It stands for 'TAN TEO SARS HOSPITAL' Thats why all the SARS patient were sent there'.

So be careful which hospital you want to go if not you are not well.But if you dont want to go to hospital,very simple also.Read An Ah Beng a day keeps the doctors away.Like this no need to go to hospital.

Ah Beng and Ah Lian went to a clinic for some medical checks.Ah Lian went in first.When she came out,she was crying and told Ah Beng, 'Aiii yoh,it is very painful.They put a needle in my hand and extracted alot of blood.The needle part is very painful.' Ah Beng listened for a while and became frightened and started to cry.Then the nurse said to Ah Beng, 'Stop crying only came for a urine test.'

UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?
Visitor: I'm here to study law,sir.
Officer: You know,you must have alot of lawyers in Malaysia.
Visitor: Why do you say that?
Officer: Well,i've been here for a good twenty years,and i'd say 80% of Malaysians i see here say
they're here to study law.
Visitor: Oh really? Thats really something I never knew.Hard to believe in fact.
Officer: Just you watch,then.You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along,and i'll bet
he's here to read law.
*visitor waits for 5 minutes,Ah Beng from Malaysia comes to immigration counter*
Officer: Mr.Ah Beng , what is the purpose of your visit?
Ah Beng: Study lorrrr..!

Caller: Hello,can i speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes,you can speak to me.
Caller: No,I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sum Wan and I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But whats this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well,just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother,Noe Wan was involved in an accident.Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospita.Right now,Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look,if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I dont have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry.Now give me your name.

Dear Ah Lian,
Thanks you for your letter.Wrong time no see you.How everything? For me,I am quiet fine.You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Some more you must wear kick kok soo,hope can wok poperly.You know,Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now.Last week,he take I,Ah Lok and a few of his friends to May Nonut to eat barger.After that he take we all go to kalah ok.Ah Lok sing and sing no stop until the sky bright.
Next week,my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years annie wear sari.My father mother going to givea fist to all the kampong people.So you must come with your hole family.I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and me.Better I e-meow you,you e-meow me.
I will ketchup with you soon.And when you got time,prease few flee to call me.Goo-bye..

isn't it hilarious?

1 comment:

simple text said...

omg that was so funny
lol wow i'm simply amazed